Thursday, February 19, 2015

To Be, or Not to Be

If you've read my blog you know I've had some dark times since being diagnosed. It was hard enough trying to find myself after graduating college but then to get a diagnosis such as the one that I have at nearly the same time throws everything in the air.

Much of my crises had to do with going on disability at the recommendation of my rhuematologist and parents. I still wanted to work, I struggled to come to terms with my diagnosis on top of being told that I needed to stop working for a while, it was a while before I was able to find my stride again and to this day when people ask me about working or disability I find myself growing anxious.

It's not that I don't want to get back to work, I really do, but I also realize that the only reason I do as well as I do is because I am able to rest when I need and the insurance that I have through the state covers the treatments I need to be able to feel better. These thoughts also invariably bring up the thoughts of "Am I sick enough"?

I don't know if other chronically ill people go through these same sorts of thoughts, but I always hear other people's stories and then compare it to my own situation (usually seeing them post about their worst days while I am having a good day) and then think to myself that I should just suck it up because I don't have things as bad as the other person.

It really doesn't help when people tell you that you look good, even when you're feeling terrible. I think that's what's so insidious about chronic illnesses; you learn to put on a front and you learn it so well that people start to assume that you really are better.

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